Day nine

You’ve been away to basic training for nine days, now. 
I miss you like crazy.
I’m not completely falling apart, but I do feel a bit empty without you here.
Most people ask about the sexual relationship between and us and if I miss it..
Tbh I do, but I miss cuddling with you and just being in your presence more than anything. 
You mean the world to me and without you, my world has no meaning.
78 more days and I’ll get to see your handsome face..along with those sexy dress blues.
I love you, James.
And I’m here..just like I promised. 

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Well, it’s been a while, you guys.

I kind of gave up on my recovery tbh.
My boyfriend left for basic training, for the Marines, last Monday… it’s been extremely rough. 
He was my rock. My shoulder to cry on. Kind of my guardian angel, I guess you could say.
The day he left, I broke down. Butchered my legs severely. 30 cuts in every direction, deep enough to scar most definitely. 
I have had about 14 hours of sleep total, since he left. I’ve hardly eaten and although I haven’t cut since that one day, I’ve definitely had the urges.
It sucks.
I’m back in school. SENIOR YEAR
Finally realizing that soon, I’ll be facing the real world and, for me, that’s a real hard pill to swallow. 
I’m terrified of the real world. Almost light-headed at the thought.
Some days, I’m sure I won’t make it.. other days, I almost have hope. 
HOPE
Hold on, pain ends.
So I’m hoping, with everything that’s in me.
Anyway, comment or something.
Bye guys. 

Days 6 and 7.

Yesterday was recovery day 6.
I ate:

  • an apple
  • chicken sandwich and fries
  • and some peanut butter toast.

I ended up puking it all though.
My body just won’t let me keep it down.
I went to the bathroom 4 times yesterday to throw up.
2 times food.
2 times just straight blood.

I’m really starting to get scared.
I haven’t cut, but I catch myself thinking about doing it quite a lot.
What if I can’t do this?

Day 7, today.
I’ve had:

  • some oreos
  • a peach pie
  • and some chef boyardee.

I haven’t puked, but I feel the need to.
I’ve been thinking about cutting a lot today.

Recovery.

Day One.
I can tell this is going to be hard. Today is only the first day without cutting and honestly,
I’m already having urges. I don’t want to relapse. I want to get better. I think that my body and mind may want something different though. My “tools” have already been taken from me, from my parents and I’ve been given strict instructions on not using or having any thing sharp. I’m going to start a journal and every time that I have and urge, I’m going to write it down. It’s not a big thing, but it’s a good start (I think).
I’m mainly focusing on the cutting, but I’m also working on my bulimia problem too.
I’m going to start eating a bit healthier, but I’m going to focus on smaller portions right now, until I can eat those everyday and be okay.
Today I have had:

  • half of an orange
  • a cookie
  • and some chips
  • along with some water

It’s going to take time, effort, and commitment and I think that I’m finally ready to accept the challenge and learn some self-control.
Wish me luck.

“Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.”

My parents now know that their 17-year old daughter has been suffering with self-mutilation for the past 7 months.
They know what I’ve used.
They know how severe it has gotten.

I was called crazy.
They said they were going to send me to a mental hospital.
isolation won’t make it better

But we have come to a compromise.

  • I am going to talk to someone.
  • They’re making me get into an extra-curricular activity of some sort, my choice, to keep myself entertained.
  • We are going to have a family meeting every Sunday night, to make sure of how I’m feeling and also help prepare me for the coming week with a good mindset.
  • I am not allowed to use anything sharp around the house (scissors, knives, toothpicks, safety pins, etc.)
  • Once school ends, I have to get a job. (I’m totally ok with that)

The hospital isn’t happening.. right now at least.
If they see that nothing is getting better, they said they’ll send me.

I think I finally want to get better.
I’m going to try.

“You’re going to have more rejection than acceptance.”

You treat me so well.
why don’t I treat myself well?
You make me so happy.
why don’t I make myself happy?
You think I’m beautiful.
why don’t I think I’m beautiful?
You want to be here with me forever.
why don’t I want to be here, even for just another day?
You love me.
why don’t I love myself?
You think my flaws are beautiful.
why do I try and hide them?
You accept me.
so then why do I try so hard to change?

“The years teach much which the days never know.”

Spring break was a train wreck.
My thighs, my hips, my stomach.. they’re all covered in what will soon be scars.
I didn’t know what else to do..
Question is:
“One a cheater, always a cheater.”
What do you think?
The question about the quote is actually pertaining to my boyfriend.
He didn’t particularly cheat, but only because he got caught in the process of trying.
Also.
I am currently covered in scars from about my hips to my mid-thigh.
Honestly, I’m not ashamed of them anymore.
I actually kind of admire them.
They tell a story without even having to say a word.
They’re kind of beautiful in a way.
To me at least.
I am a bit afraid though..
The summer is only two months away and I’m afraid that others may not think the same way that I do about my scars.
Shorts are going to be the death of me.
I have not cut in about 3 days now, though I do get urges several times in a day.
-have them now actually-
I guess we will see how things go, but all I can say is I’m trying.